It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighbourhood.
When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.
At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.
At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.
When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.
As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?"
"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you."
He said, "Fuck him, give him a dollar."
The lady then said, "The breakfast was my idea."
There was this construction worker on the 3rd floor of this unfinished building. He needed a hand saw, but was too lazy to go down and get it himself, so he tried to call his fellow worker on the ground to get it for him, but this guy could not hear a word he said. So he started to give a sign so the guy on the ground could understand him.
First he pointed at his eyes (meaning "I") then pointed at his knees (meaning "need), and moved his hand back and forth describing the movement of a hand saw.
Finally, the guy on the ground started nodding his head like he understood and dropped his pants and started to jerk off.
The guy on the 3rd floor got pissed-off and ran down to the ground and started yelling at this guy, "You idiot, I was trying to tell you I needed a hand saw."
The other guy replied, "I know, I was trying to tell you that I was coming."
A woman was shaking out a rug on the balcony of her 17th floor condominium when a sudden gust of wind blew her over the railing. "Damn, that was stupid," she thought as she fell. "What a way to die."
As she passed the 14th floor, a man standing at his railing caught her in his arms.
While she looked at him in disbelieving gratitude, he asked, "Do you suck?"
"No!" she shrieked, aghast.
So, he dropped her.
As she passed the 12th floor, another man reached out and caught her. "Do you screw?" he asked.
"Of course not!" she exclaimed before she could stop herself.
He dropped her, too.
The poor woman prayed to God for one more chance. As luck would have it, she was caught a third time, by a man on the eighth floor. "I suck! I screw!" she screamed in panic.
"Slut!" he said, and dropped her.
A grandpa walks into a grandson's apartment and sees a condom on the table. “What's this!?” demands the grandfather.
“It's a condom,” replies the grandson sheepishly.
“What do you use it for?” asks Gramps.
The grandson is surprised that his grandpa really doesn't know what a condom is, and replies, “I use it to keep my cigarettes dry when I smoke in the rain.”
To his surprise his grandpa says, “That's a great idea,” and goes off to the drug store. He asks the pharmacist for a condom.
“What size would you like?” asks the pharmacist.
“Oh, big enough to fit a camel.”
Three guys are in a strip club. One guy walks over to a stripper, licks a 50 dollar bill and sticks it to one side of her butt.
The next guy doesn’t want to be shown up so he takes a 100 dollar bill, licks it, and sticks it to the other side of her butt.
The third guy doesn’t want to be shown up but he doesn’t have any money. He thinks for a moment and suddenly he gets an idea. He walks over to the stripper, takes out his ATM card, slides it down the crack of her ass, takes his 150 dollars and goes home!
Three male work friends decided to take their wives on a gambling vacation for a week in Las Vegas. The gambling vacation week flew by and they all had a great time in the casinos gambling.
After they returned home and the men went back to work, they sat around at break and discussed their Vegas vacation.
The first guy says “I don’t think I’ll ever do that again! Ever since we got back from Vegas, my old lady flings her arms & hollers, “7 come 11″ all night & I haven’t had a wink of sleep!”
The second guy says “I know what you mean… my old lady played black jack the whole vacation and she slaps the bed all night and hollers “hit me light or hit me hard”, and I haven’t had a wink of sleep either!”
The third guy says “You guys think you have it bad! My old lady played the slots the whole vacation and I wake up each morning with a sore dick and an ass full of quarters!What has one hundred balls and screws old ladies? Bingo
Quickie in the Bushes
There are two statues in a park; one of a nude man and one of a nude woman.
They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single gesture, brings the two to life.
The angel tells them, 'As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most.' He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the shrubbery. The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues. After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing.
The angel tells them, 'Um, you have fifteen minutes left, would you care to do it again?' He asks her 'Shall we?'
She eagerly replies, 'Oh, yes, let's! But let's change positions.
This time, I'll hold the pigeon down and you sh*t on its head!!!.'
Tsk Tsk-----AND WHAT WERE YOU THINKING????
When is an English teacher like a judge? When she hands out long sentences.
Did you hear about the man who drowned in a bowl of museli? He was pulled under by a strong currant.
What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup? You can eat roast beef... but you can't pea soup!
Tracy: would you punish someone for something they haven't done? Teacher: of course not. Tracy: Oh good, because I haven't done my homework.
If a bra is an upper decker flopper-stopper; a jockstrap is a lower decker knacker-jacker; and a gilt edged toilet roll is a super duper ppoper-scooper; what is a punch drunk japanese whose father has dysentry? a slap-happy Jappy with a crap-happy pappy!
Smile! Later on today ou won't feel like it.
Cuddle up a little closer... it may be shorter than you think!
She- "phew, no more- I'm on strike." He- "so am I, but as soon as I get a rise, we can go back to work."
"I've heard he uses his false teeth to scallop the edges of his pies" "that's nothing- you want to see what he uses to put the holes in doughnuts!"
A lovely young lady named Sally, stripped at the working mens palais. She got lots of applause, when she took off her draws. 'Cos the hair on her head didn'r tally!
IMPORTANT- all employees are requested to take a bath daily.... as we have to Kiss Your Arse before you do anything, we would like it nice and clean! - The Management.
I only swear... when it slips out!
You can't fool me, I am too stupid.
THE PILL- can I have a larger size doctor? these keep falling out
I spend 8 hours a day here... do you expect me to work too?
Take home a sex pack... the one next to you!
POLITE NOTICE- our aim is to keep this place clean, your aim will help.
Gentlemen: Stand close. It may be shorter than you think. Ladies: Please remain seated during the entire performance.
Flies spread disease... so keep yours zipped up!
Don't just stand there... undo something!
"they say they won't be joining us for lunch- Fred's too hard up!"
